Impossible Love
by DeceptionIsMySpecialty
Summary: They had to let each other go, no matter how much it hurt. Their love just wasn't enough. Or maybe it was too much.


A/N: I'm not sure if this really flows. I just had all these little scenes in my head and kind of stuck them together in a story. Hope it works.. Oh, yeah and Morgana isn't evil in this.

...

Princes are not supposed to be friends with servants, they aren't supposed to date servants, and they definitely aren't supposed to fall in love with them. But Arthur couldn't help it. With Guinevere, it was impossible not to fall in love. She is the most kindhearted, beautiful, genuine person he had ever known. He couldn't get enough of her smile and found himself going to ridiculous lengths to catch a glimpse of it.

"Come." Arthur said, not looking up, when a knock sounded on the door.

"You needed me, Sire?" It was Gwen. Her voice alone was enough to make him smile.

"Ah, Guinevere, yes. I seem to have ripped my shirt. Again. I need you to mend it." She stepped further into the room smiling, a twinkle in her eye.

"Yes, I thought that might be the case. I came prepared this time." She held up a needle and thread.

"You know me too well." He said, tossing her the shirt.

She deftly caught it and sat at the table, spreading it out. "Odd place for a tear, isn't it?" She asked.

"What do you mean?" Arthur asked as innocently as he could. He couldn't have her know that he ripped his shirts with his dagger more often than he would care to admit for the sole purpose of seeing her.

Gwen smiled, but didn't look up. "Most swordsmen wouldn't even aim for this spot. It looks to be on your lower back."

"Well, it was actually...a bramble. Merlin and I were out hunting andmy shirt got caught."

"Of course." Was all she said, but Arthur could tell she didn't believe him. 

She sewed quickly and efficiently and was done much sooner than he would have liked. "Finished already?" He asked when she got up to leave.

"Yes, Sire. Will there be anything else?" _Please ask me to stay, _Gwen begged silently.

"No, nothing." _Please stay, _he pleaded in his head.

"Good evening, then." _I love you, _her eyes screamed.

"And to you, also." _I love you too, _his answered.

...

"Where is your head today, Gwen?" Morgana asked.

Gwen had been staring idly out the window, watching Arthur as he trained. She couldn't help but admire the way he held a sword and how he looked in armor. But at Morgana's words Gwen looked down, startled, at the cup she'd just overfilled. She dried her hand and began cleaning up the mess. "I am sorry, milady. I am just tired."

Both Morgana and Gwen knew the truth. Gwen was completely in love with Arthur though she would never admit it aloud. "Gwen, why don't you take the rest of the day off? You obviously need some rest." And Morgana left the room before Gwen could even reply.

...

Morgana went immediately to find Arthur. She found him outside with Merlin, training his Knights. She pulled him aside and her, Arthur, and Merlin stood in a circle. "You know she loves you, right?" No one had to ask who Morgana was talking about.

"Yeah, she really does." Merlin added.

Arthur sighed. "And I love her."

Merlin looked at him as though he was stupid and Morgana threw up her hands. "So then where's the problem?"

Arthur glared at her, his temper, so close to the edge these days, boiling over. "Oh, nothing at all." He said, quite sarcastically. "Except that I am a Prince, soon to be King, and she is a servant. Father would never stand for it, it's against the law, and I cannot ask her to take on the responsibilites of being Queen even if we could marry. It's not what she wants."

Morgana looked at him. "She wants you." When Arthur rolled his eyes and looked away she grabbed his arm. "No, listen to me Arthur. Love is the most powerful thing in the world. If you two truly love each other you can make it past any obstacle. And if you don't, then marry someone else so she can stop holding out for you and settle down before it's too late. Either way you need to decide, and you need to tell her. She is home now." Morgana looked at Merlin. "I assume Merlin can cover for you."

Merlin nodded readily. "Don't I always?"

"Good." And with that Morgana left. Arthur stared after her, his fists clenched. She was wrong. He loved Gwen more than anything in the world and it would never be enough. He'd never truly wished not to be a prince before that moment.

"Arthur, go see her. It can't hurt." Merlin said after a moment.

"You're wrong Merlin. It can hurt a lot." But he went anyway. He never could pass up an opportunity to see her. He just wasn't strong enough.

...

When a knock sounded on her door, Gwen expected Merlin. She was pleasantly surprised, but confused, to see Arthur. "Sire." She said, smiling and dropping into a curtsy. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm not coming to you as a prince, Guinevere. I'm coming to you as nothing but a man." _Please don't turn me away, _his eyes begged.

_Never, _she answered without a word.She stepped back and he came inside, closing the door behind him. They fell naturally into each other's arms and he kissed her deeply. When he began to move toward the bed, she put a restraining hand on his chest. "Arthur, I - we - can't."

His eyes were like she had never seen them. Dark and wild, desperate with his need for her. She wondered if hers looked the same way. "Please, Gwen." She couldn't refuse him. She didn't even want to. Not really.

...

They made love twice and after, slept, entwined in each others arms. Gwen had never felt more safe or loved. When she awoke, the sun had just begun to rise and Arthur was awake, watching her. She hated to see the sadness in his eyes. Smiling, reaching for him she pulled him down to her. He kissed her softly. "Good morning, my love." He whispered against her lips.

She sighed happily. It was a good morning. Gwen knew she might never feel so happy again, so she soaked up every second, relishing it. "Where are you going?" She asked, her voice rather scratchy, when Arthur began to get out of the bed.

"I have to get back." It sounded like the last thing he wanted to do. "Merlin can't make excuses for me forever."

Gwen smiled wistfully. "I wish he could."

They got out of bed and helped each other dress, with much unnecessary kissing and touching. Gwen walked him to the door, but he stopped her before she could open it with a hand on her waist. "I love you." He spoke quickly, forcefully, as though someone were about to steal away his words.

"I love you too."

Arthur gripped her hands. "Please," He'd never begged a soul for anything in his life, but he did now. "Please, wait for me. When I am King, I will change the law."

She smiled at him. Her sweet, naiive Prince. "The people will never accept a servant as their Queen. They care nothing for the law. I am not meant to be royalty."

"You're meant to be with me." He said fiercly.

"No, my love. I fear that I am not."

"You are my reason for living, Gwen. You make me better than I am." His eyes were tortured. "I will relinquish my entitlement to the throne. Morgana will be Queen and you and I can be together."

For one brief, glorious moment she considered it. She saw her entire life with Arthur and she wanted it so badly it was a physical ache inside of her. But she loved him and she could not allow him to give up part of himself. Being King of Camelot was his destiny and if she truly loved him she could not stand in his way. "You know you can't do that, Arthur."

He nodded sadly. "Morgana was wrong."

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"She said that if I loved you enough I would do anything to be with you. But I can't be that selfish." He framed her face with his big hands. Gwen leaned into his touch. "I have a duty to rule and protect Camelot with my life. I cannot abandon it."

"And I love you enough not to ask you to." Gwen said. They both knew if she did ask, he would give up his crown in an instant. But, Gwen also knew, and so did Arthur if he would ever admit it, that Arthur would be lost without the fulltime responsibility of ruling Camelot. Being a Prince was who he was.

"But you don't love me enough to be Queen?"

Gwen's chest ached with the heartbreak she knew she would soon feel a hundredfold. "I love you enough not to saddle you with an inept Queen your people neither like nor trust. If the first thing you do when you become King is change a law that's been around for centuries and marry a servant, there will be rebellions. It would be all my fault and you would soon grow to detest me. I could never bear that."

"Why is life so unfair?" Arthur whispered, leaning close.

Their lips were centimeters apart when a knock sounded on the door. "The King is looking for you Arthur and I can't put him off any longer." Merlin said, walking in.

Arthur stepped away from Gwen reluctantly. "I am only beginning to understand how hard it is to be a Prince." Arthur said.

"Hey, anytime you want to switch places." Merlin said lightly.

"If only we could, Merlin." And there was such longing in Arthur's voice, Merlin looked at him.

"You okay?" He asked.

"No, not really." With one last look at Gwen he left the house.

Merlin looked at Gwen and noticed the start of tears. "So you aren't going to marry Arthur, then?"

With that Gwen broke down completely, sobbing so hard she couldn't even speak. "Oh, Gwen." Merlin said softly, pulling her in for a hug.

...

Months passed and Gwen and Arthur didn't speak again. They barely even saw each other, as they each went out of their way to avoid the other. There was no point drawing out the pain. They weren't going to be together and that was that.

But it still broke Gwen's heart all over again when a Princess from a neighboring Kingdom came to visit. Obviously the hopes were that Arthur would marry the Princess and unite the two Kingdoms. And when it was announced that Arthur would indeed marry her, Gwen cried for two days.

...

On the day of the wedding, Merlin cleared the way and Gwen snuck into the room where Arthur was getting ready. "You look wonderful." Her voice was soft and her eyes shiny with tears.

Arthur looked at her in the mirror. It was like no time at all had passed since their night together. "I wish it was you walking down the aisle."

"I do too. But Princess Abrielle is lovely." _Far lovelier than me, _she thought.

"Yes, she's lovely." Arthur agreed mechanically. _But she's not you, _a voice in his head whispered. He turned to face her. "Please, one more kiss. To hold me over for the rest of my life."

She could not refuse him or herself. "Of course." He stepped closer, tipping her face up when she looked shyly at the ground. When their lips finally met, it was pure magic. Everything was good again and there was nothing outside of his lips. He poured himself into her and she answered back just as passionately. He gripped her waist, pulling her against him so tightly air couldn't fit between them. Her body remembered his touch and folded into him, a perfect fit. Just when she thought she might die from lack of air(and almost wished she would so she could die happy), he pulled back an inch.

"I love you Guinevere." His eyes were dark and her stomach dropped out from under her. She would never touch him again.

"I love you, Arthur." She could barely get the words out past the lump in her throat.

He allowed himself one more kiss. Soft, gentle, and containing all the words they would never be able to say. "I have to get out there." His face looked despairing. Gwen tried to smile but she was sure her face looked exactly the same way.

"Right. Well, try to look happy. This is your wedding after all."

Arthur shook his head and turned to look back at himself in the mirror. He didn't recognize the man he saw there. "No, this is my funeral. I might be alive, but I can't live without you Gwen."

Tears were filling her eyes as quickly as she could blink them away. "Oh, Arthur. Nor can I live without you. But we will be together again. If not in this life, than in the next one. I will wait for you, always." Gwen stifled her sob and fled the room.

Almost immediately she ran into Merlin. He led her to an empty room and pulled her inside. When Gwen finally managed to stop crying she looked up at Merlin and the pain she'd been hiding from him for months was laid bare. "I can't do it Merlin. I can't watch him marry someone else." Just like that, the decision she hadn't even known she was mulling over was decided. "I'm leaving Merlin."

"What? But where? What will you do?"

Gwen shrugged. "I don't know. I don't care. It hardly matters anymore."

"Well, I'm coming with you." That drew a genuine smile from Gwen and she threw her arms around Merlin's neck and hugged him tightly. "Thank you for saying that, Merlin. But you belong here. You must stay and make sure that Arthur becomes the great king he is meant to."

Merlin nodded sadly. He couldn't argue that his destiny was in Camelot. "I'll get a horse and some food for your journey. You can leave while everyone is distracted with the wedding."

All too soon, Gwen had her few belongings gathered and Merlin had brought her a horse. "I'll miss you Merlin." She said before he could help her on the horse.

"I'll miss you too Gwen. You must write as soon as you make it somewhere safe."

And that was it. Merlin helped Gwen onto the horse and watched her ride away, wondering if he would ever see her again.

...

A fortnight later a messenger brought Merlin a letter. He recognized the handwriting at once. It was late but Merlin didn't hesitate to wake Arthur. When they were alone in a room together, Merlin opened the letter and read it aloud.

_Merlin, _

_I am safe and sound. I won't give you details because I don't want anyone to find me. I will not write again. It is too painful. I merely wanted you to know I was well so you wouldn't worry. Please give Arthur my best and tell Morgana I am terribly sorry for leaving without saying goodbye. You've been a good friend to me Merlin. Thank you._

Merlin looked up at Arthur. His fists were clenched and his face was impassive. "She doesn't want me to find her. That's why she didn't tell you where she was." He said tightly.

"Well, can you blame her? She knows you would set out and try and bring her back."

"Of course I would Merlin!" Arthur exploded. "I love her! And you're trying to tell me that I'll never hear her voice again? I won't see her anymore?" His voice broke. He swallowed hard and composed himself. "I can't accept that."

Merlin felt Arthur's pain as if it was his own. He would have done whatever it took to make everything okay, if only there was something to do. "You have to accept it, Arthur. You don't have any other choice."

Arthur turned away from him and faced the window. "Leave me alone, Merlin."

When Arthur heard the door close behind Merlin he picked up Gwen's letter, reading it again and again, savoring the connection to her, small as it was. The way she wrote his name, he could almost hear her whispering it in his ear.

When the door opened again, Arthur finally looked up from the letter. Abrielle stood there, smiling unsurely at him. "Are you okay, Arthur?"

He crumpled the letter in his hand and stood up. "Of course."

He tossed the letter in the fire and took his wife's hand, leaving Gwen behind. For good.


End file.
